Confused? So am I. For a girl with no sense of direction – and a car with no Sat Nav – it’s a challenge. But I’m managing to find my way around alright (although I do confess to having got lost a few times).

Confusing names, confused identities. We attach so much importance to our names and we gain so much significance from our identities. You know how good it makes you feel when someone remembers your name (and the reverse is also true). Or how important it is that they get your job title right. We like people to know who we are and what we do. And we like to know who other people are and what they do, too. It helps us to fit them into a box.

Well, here I am in Taughlumny with not only a changed postal address (and yes, the postman does manage to find us here) but also a changed identity. Who am I? I was a Pastor’s wife – at least that’s how I was normally introduced to people. Not as Pauline Wilson, but as the Pastor’s wife. In fact, we were sometimes introduced as Pastor and Pauline.

Now my husband is no longer officially a Pastor – he’s become a full-time student. So what does that make me? A student’s wife? No, I get to be Pauline! I have made a whole group of new friends in the neighbourhood who only know me as Pauline – now that’s refreshing.

But who am I? With these friends, we are exploring the meaning of grace – and we are encouraged to take off our mums’ hats and our wives’ hats and our chauffeurs’ hats and all the other hats we wear every day – and just for a while enjoy being who we are in the Presence of the King – his children, his daughters. It is an opportunity to remember who we are and who He is – to relax in the knowledge that our real identity is found in Him and by His grace we can enjoy all that He has for us.

I’m enjoying finding out more about who I am and I’m enjoying getting to know these new friends – as well as the local lanes and countryside. It’s all part of life in Taughlumny.

Until the next time….

Neither of them rose to a position of great power or prominence – but within their own spheres of influence they were faithful. Both of them had a keen interest in missions – one of them prayed for missionaries, supported missionaries and often invited them to her home so she could hear their stories; the other opened her home to missionaries’ children and cared for them while their parents were overseas.

One of them was outgoing and vivacious: her laughter filled a room and was infectious to all who heard it; the other was quieter, never wishing to impose, not wanting to intrude, but nonetheless held her own strong opinions and convictions. One loved to dress in bright reds and purples; the other preferred more muted pastels. They both liked to drink tea out of china cups. One loved daffodils; the other preferred carnations.

One was gifted with words and on several occasions produced poems which she had written about different family members, always giving them a laugh because of their honesty and humour; the other was more gifted in cooking and hospitality – she loved to fill her house with people whom she fed with all sorts of homemade delights.

Both of them belonged to the denomination known as Plymouth Brethren; so neither of them held public roles in the church. But both of them used the gifts God had given them to serve others, both at home and in the church.

Neither of them looked for applause or affirmation; both of them hated having attention drawn to themselves. They got on with their lives and found contentment in their roles as wives, mothers and grandmothers.

They showed their love for those closest to them by worrying about them. ‘Have you put on weight?’ ‘Have you lost weight?’ ‘Ring me to let me know you’re home.’ It took me a long time to realise that but as I have become a mother myself it has been easier to accept that perhaps worry is a mother’s love language.

I shall forever be grateful for these two women – one of whom was my mother and one of whom was my mother-in-law. One brought me into this world and I had the unforgettable privilege of sitting at her bedside on 31 January as she passed out of this world. The other brought my husband into this world and now I have had the same privilege of joining the family by her bedside this week during the last stages of her journey.

Two women called Betty. Two mothers. How fitting that I was writing this on Mothers’ Day. I’m thankful for both of these women – two mothers who just got on with the business of mothering.

‘Their children rise up and call them blessed’ Proverbs 31:28.

I got to thinking about Jesus’ work – the job that God gave him to do. On the one hand, it was a grand and glorious job – the redemption of the world. No greater job in the universe! The most important, most significant job in the history of the world! If Jesus had refused his mission, the course of history would have been very, very different. But he answered the call, accepted his mission, and became the Saviour of the world. And he did it gladly – he was a man characterised by joy. What an exciting mission he had! What job fulfilment there would have been – or would there?

What did the job entail? What was his job description? What did a typical day look like for Jesus as he pursued his mission?

He didn’t have many perks as we would think of them – he actually had ‘nowhere to lay his head’, often eating in the homes of friends and sometimes sleeping outdoors. He had to borrow a coin and after he died, he was buried in a borrowed tomb.

His family didn’t understand his mission – they thought he was ‘out of his mind’. He couldn’t rely on their support. They just didn’t ‘get it’.

His friends and neighbours criticised him – who did he think he was? he was just the carpenter’s son from Nazareth. He should come back home!

Ah! But what of those he came to serve? Surely they understood? They must have accepted him with open arms and been so grateful for the sacrifice he had made for them? No, they rejected him and finally killed him. They didn’t want what he offered them – and he couldn’t give them what they wanted.

Some tried to redefine his mission for him – surely the Messiah would come to conquer, to take his kingdom by force? They didn’t like how he did his job and they wanted him to do it differently.

Well then, what about the chosen few – the Twelve? Those he gathered around him to train, to disciple, to share his heart with? They must have been reading off the same page. No, they squabbled among themselves for the most important position in the team – and one of them tried to dissuade Jesus from fulfilling his mission. Not the cross, Lord!

Even the select 3 (Peter, James and John) disappointed him. He did not even have 3 friends he could count on, who would be with him in his hour of greatest need. They fell asleep in Gethsemane and Peter denied him at the end – denied all knowledge of him.

Not the kind of job with a lot of job fulfilment built in to it! Not much job satisfaction there.

Yet it was enough for Jesus to be able to say at the end ”I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do”.

Why should we, his servants, want more than that? What if we don’t have many perks? what if our families don’t understand? what if those we serve try to tell us how to do our job? what if those we are training don’t get it? what if we don’t have a soul mate to count on?

The job fulfilment the world seeks is not what God has promised us. All he asks is that we do the job he has given us to do – and in the acceptance of that job, in the fulfilment of that mission, in obedience to that call, we will find our greatest joy.

‘The servant is not greater than his master.’

Rise up O woman of God
In what He has given you
The things God has laid on your heart
Rise up, go forth, and do

Unlock what God has placed within
The potential you have inside
The world is waiting for your release
To expand your wings and fly

Arise in your God-given gifts
For this is your finest hour
Arise in the Lord’s holy might
Ignited and empowered

For God is calling you to come forth
To impact this world for Him
Don’t hold back or limit yourself
Let His power arise within

And take His message to the world
To those that have lost their way
For you can surely make a difference
If you’d hear His voice and obey

You shall be strengthened in the Lord
As you begin to arise
Conquering those doubts that pull you down
And believe who you are in Christ

For you shall surely be transformed
As, in you, God increases more
And become a woman of true excellence
Bringing honour to her Lord.

© By M.S.Lowndes.

Because he is risen
My future is an epic novel
Where once it was a mere short story
My contract on life is renewed in perpetuity
My options are open-ended
My travel plans are cosmic
Because he is risen

Because he is risen
Healing is on order and assured
And every disability will bow
Before the endless dance of his ability
And my grave too will open
When my life is restored
For this frail and fragile body
Will not be the final word on my condition
Because he is risen

Because he is risen
Hunger will go begging in the streets
For want of a home
And selfishness will have a shortened shelf-life
And we will throng to the funeral of famine
And dance on the callous grave of war
And poverty will be history
In our history
Because he is risen

And because he is risen
A fire burns in my bones
And my eyes see possibilities
And my heart hears hope
Like a whisper on the wind
And the song that rises in me
Will not be silenced
As life disrupts
This shadowed place of death
Like a butterfly under the skin
And death itself
Runs terrified to hide
Because he is risen

Gerard Kelly

Beneath the cross of Jesus
I find a place to stand,
And wonder at such mercy
That calls me as I am;
For hands that should discard me
Hold wounds which tell me, “Come.”
Beneath the cross of Jesus
My unworthy soul is won.

Beneath the cross of Jesus
His family is my own—
Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,
Now one through grace alone.
How could I now dishonor
The ones that You have loved?
Beneath the cross of Jesus
See the children called by God.

Beneath the cross of Jesus—
The path before the crown—
We follow in His footsteps
Where promised hope is found.
How great the joy before us
To be His perfect bride;
Beneath the cross of Jesus
We will gladly live our lives.

Beneath the Cross of Jesus
Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2005 Thankyou Music

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’

Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The Invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I’m not a pair of  hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30 – don’t forget!’

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated ‘with honours’ – but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a  beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To my dear friend, Cathy, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fuelled by their faith that the eyes of GOD saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever  see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because GOD sees.’

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard GOD whispering to me, ‘I see you, My Child. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.’
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I  keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really  think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand-bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.’  That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of all the Invisible Women who ever lived.

The Will of GOD will never take you where the Grace of GOD will not protect you.

Now, here are some of the responses I received:

• HOW timely!!!
• just what I needed to read today.
• Really spoke to me in a week when I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself because of the monotony of my life.
• That was a very timely word for me!
• It was inspirational and feeling rather invisible lately, rather timely.
• This came at such a timely moment.
• The analogy of building cathedrals was a helpful reminder when I needed it!
• That’s exactly how I feel at the moment.
• I am sitting here weeping after just reading about “cathedrals.”  How timely your kind reminder.

So why such a response? I’m sure it’s because we Moms can all identify with what’s expressed in the article – we all feel invisible, taken for granted, unappreciated, from time to time (and let me acknowledge here and now that it is, of course, not only moms who can feel like that).

All of us moms were thankful for the encouragement of the article, the reminder of the importance of what we are doing, the analogy of the building of a cathedral, the significance of which is so often lost in the fogginess of the everyday routines of nappy-changing and meals-making and taxi-driving and cleaning and shopping and….so on.

At the same time as this article was going the rounds of my friends – and producing such an overwhelming response – I was asked this question from another friend who is herself a young mom:  ‘Any tips from a veteran mother to one who is still a relatively new one?’

I’ve been thinking about that question. My immediate response is ‘Who am I to give tips to anyone?’ I am painfully aware of all of the mistakes I have made in my own parenting journey – and I am also aware that I am not done yet. My girls are 19 and 22 but I’ll be a Mom till the day I die – and there’s a lot could happen between now and then.

But I’m also aware of the frustration I felt as a young Mom looking for tips when all I got was such a reply.

So, having made it clear that I’m no expert but simply a Mom a little further down the road from some of my younger friends, I’m sharing these few thoughts as I look back up the road and wish someone had perhaps shared them with me. Here goes. If anything here helps you, great. If not, don’t worry. I’ll enjoy reminiscing.

• Savour each day. I know young moms get tired of hearing their kids will grow up too soon – but they really do! All too soon the days of having them round your feet will be gone forever, so make the most of each day.
• Make memories for them and have fun with them. Forget about the housework sometimes, don’t worry if the floors aren’t clean – take them out and have fun!
• Let yourself off the hook. OK so you’re not the perfect mom, you blew it, you failed, you lost your temper, whatever. Don’t be afraid to say sorry to your child and to ask for forgiveness – that in itself is a powerful thing – and move on. Failure is never final. Our kids have short memories. We can move on and move beyond the failure. Tomorrow is a new day and, by God’s grace, we are forgiven, the slate is wiped clean and we can begin again.
• Affirm your child, encourage her, affirm her and encourage her – again and again. Contrary to some parental advice, you can never praise your child too much.  It will not give her a big head. She will get plenty of knocks elsewhere – make sure she doesn’t get them from you.
• But when discipline is needed, be consistent. She will know if you don’t really mean it so don’t threaten anything you don’t mean to carry out. Love is tough and tender. Be loving but be firm. Carry out discipline in such a way as she is left in no doubt that you love her and what you are doing is for her good in the long run. Express your love for her after the discipline. And never discipline in anger. Deal with your own heart before going after hers.
• Don’t be afraid of your child. I know parents who fear their kids – they are afraid they will throw a tantrum in a public place, they’re afraid they will not like them if they don’t get their own way, they feel they have to keep them happy at all costs. You don’t – and you shouldn’t. You are the parent and your child is the child. Inevitably she will not always know what is good, nor will she always want what is good. So don’t be afraid of that. Little battles won when she is young will save a lot of bigger battles later on.
• Choose your battles – it really isn’t worth fighting about what colour she wears or what hairstyle she prefers – there are much more important battles to fight.
• When someone remarks how big your child is getting, never say ‘Big and bad!’ – that is not – ever – funny!
• Remember that some things you say to your child will remain etched in her memory forever, with the power to steer her course for the rest of her life – for better or for worse. So try to determine her gifts, her strengths, her ‘bent’ – and encourage her in that direction. I believe that this is what is meant by the biblical verse ‘Train up a child in the way (s)he should go and when (s)he is old (s)he shall not depart from it’. You have the power to breathe life-giving words into her which will make her into the woman God has created her to be!
• Remember that your child is not the only one learning – you are learning as much as she is. God has made you her parent but HE is your Father – and He is teaching you as much about Him and as much about you as you are teaching your child. Be constantly on the look out for what He is trying to teach you through your child and be willing to learn from Him. I remember on one occasion I almost blew it with one of my girls. I was on the verge of  ‘reading the riot act’ over what I perceived as a rebellious attitude towards me. The script was already written in my head, it was ready to roll off my tongue, and it would have demolished her. Just in time, God whispered in my ear: ‘This isn’t about you – it’s about her – so don’t make it about you.’ And instead of the premeditated speech, I simply asked her ‘Are you alright?’ which diffused the situation and led into a beautifully honest time of sharing the pain that was in her heart. I was very humbled to realise how God had rescued me from me myself.
• Don’t fear the teenage years. I did – and I remember asking someone further down the road ‘What will I do when my girls are teens?’ She very wisely told me: ‘Don’t worry Pauline – you’ll grow with your girls’. I did – and by the time they were teens I loved it – it is, as Paul Tripp says, an ‘Age of Opportunity’ - opportunity to discuss, to debate, to grow and learn together. (One of my biggest tips is to buy and devour that book – and for parents of younger kids – ‘Shepherding a Child’s Heart’.) Of course there are challenges and struggles along the way – but God is greater than them all.
• If you are a Christian mom, don’t leave all the biblical teaching up to the church or to Sunday School. What is learned in the home is so important – and although many things are learned by example, we have to intentionally teach our children too. One resource I found helpful was to go through the book ‘A Woman after God’s own Heart’ with my girls – but of course there are many others as well. Navigator Press do a whole series of age-appropriate sex education books from a Christian viewpoint – I found those particularly helpful as my girls were learning sex education in school.
• You will want to be aware of what they are being taught in school generally, what movies they are watching, what books they are reading, so that you can discuss their content and teach them to think critically and analytically. One well known Christian speaker who visited our home advised us not to prevent the girls from watching movies we might not have agreed with – but to watch them with them so that we could discuss them together.
• Enjoy the ride! Parenting is a roller coaster and I, for one, would choose a merry-go-round over a roller coaster any day! But we don’t have a choice here – once that little baby is born, we become a Mom with all of the joys and sorrows, the highs and lows, that parenting brings. So embrace it, remember God is your Guide, and that most of all what you are called to do is to LOVE your child! You will find – like me – that you actually enjoy the ride! I am so thankful for the journey of motherhood – to God for giving me the map and patiently guiding me along the way; to Alan for being such a constant and faithful co-pilot with me; and to my girls for making the trip such an exciting one! I have learned more from each of you than I could ever have hoped to have taught you.

• our younger daughter was in SE Asia so our family was incomplete
• my husband and I were both sick with tummy bugs
• I took a migraine which prevented me from attending a friend’s wedding
• my Mum was in hospital so part of Christmas Day was spent there
• although Mum was discharged on Boxing Day, she has been very poorly throughout the holiday
• my Mum and Dad had to be moved out of their home to my sister’s home -a very traumatic event for both of them
• my Dad has also been unwell and is suffering from a lot of confusion due to the move

Not exactly the nostalgic picture we all have when we say ‘Merry Christmas!’ Nor the fond image I had in my mind when I eagerly looked forward to the festive season.

• We missed being together as a family – and yes, there was a stocking left with its gifts in it.
• There were poignant moments when we were made aware that one of us was missing.
• We didn’t get to any parties.
• We cancelled a dinner party.
• I missed a wedding.

But did we celebrate Christmas?

I heard yesterday about someone who said that she hadn’t sent her usual card and gift to a friend this year because  he wouldn’t be celebrating Christmas due to the fact that his wife had died in September. Now, don’t get me wrong – I understand that the festive season looks very, very different for someone who has been bereaved during the year or who has suffered any other tragic event in their lives, and they will inevitably want to cut out some of the Christmas trimmings.

But can they not celebrate Christmas?

Not if Christmas is all about parties and fun and merriment!

But to say that I cannot celebrate Christmas without all the trimmings is like saying I cannot be engaged without an engagement ring! The essence of Christmas is not found in the parties, just as the essence of an engagement is not found in the ring.

What I discovered this year was that I could still celebrate Christmas without a lot of the usual trimmings – in fact, it was because of Christmas that I could deal with the longings and the disappointment and the worry and concern.

Because God became one of us all those years ago – because of Bethlehem, and because Bethlehem led to Calvary, we still have Immanuel – God with us. He didn’t just step down in to a manger – He stepped down in to the mess which is our lives!

That’s why any one of us can celebrate Christmas, no matter what our circumstances – and that’s why we can step out into the New Year, knowing He goes with us into whatever mess we might meet.

So may I wish you a Happy New Year…..?

Here are some of the things I’ve heard or read in the last few weeks – I’m sure you will identify and sympathise with at least some of them:

It’s a glimmer of hope: ‘The whole point of Christmas is that – whatever your religious beliefs – it should be a celebration of hope in the gloomiest, darkest month of the year.’

Or it’s about fun: ‘Christmas is all about fun, so enjoy it.’

On the other side of the coin, the person feeling the pressure of the season – and who hasn’t? – says: ‘It’s all about making food for people to eat, serving it and clearing up afterwards. I’ll be glad when it’s over.’

And – on a similar vein – ‘It’s a pain in the backside. Just an excuse for commercialism’.

So what about this – is this getting nearer to the truth? ‘Christmas is not about buying expensive gifts, but spending as much time with your family as you possibly can.’

Or what about this perspective? ‘Christmas is a wonderful chance to take stock. I don’t take any of our good fortune for granted but instead thank God that everyone is healthy – that’s the best Christmas preent I could receive.’

And here’s a more spiritual approach: ‘Christmas is really about sharing life and love with friends and family in the darkest month of the year. If it’s all getting too much, find a place of worship to sit in and calm your nerves, or light a candle and meditate on the flame.’

So, what is Christmas all about? Fun? Family? A time to take stock? Eating too much? Spending too much?

I think many of us can identify with most of the statements above. We enjoy the food and the gifts and the family-gatherings. We like the ‘feel good’ factor about Christmas. I was struck recently on a visit to a well-known coffee shop to see words like PEACE and JOY and LOVE decorating the walls for Christmas. These are things which help produce that warm fuzzy feeling we associate with Christmas – things we all yearn for and yet things which seem terribly elusive in our world of economic recession, cancer and war.

So is Christmas just an excuse to indulge ourselves so as to forget reality in the darkest month of the year? Is there no more to it than that?

Or if you’re a Christian, is it about multiple carol services and Sunday School plays and youth performances? Do you tend to get to Christmas Eve exhausted from the sheer busyness of it all?

I had the privilege of attending a concert on Friday night by the New Irish Orchestra – and what an evening it was! We got to sing our old favourite carols, experience the feel-good factor of the nostalgia which they bring (the audience singing ‘Away in a Manger’ accapella was a wonderful reminder of childhood) – but we were also brought face to face with what surely is the real meaning of Christmas.

At the heart of the festivities, the food and the fun lies the reason for the season: God sent his Son to be the Saviour of the world! The unique omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent God, Creator of the universe, stepped into time, taking the form of a little vulnerable human baby – in order to save us from our sins. What a miracle! What grace! What great news! What cause for fun and festivity and family gatherings!

At the concert, the orchestra performed a song based on these words by Derick Bingham which encapsulate it all:

From Behind the Sun

Again Lord by the Spirit’s power,

We’d capture the wonder of the hour

When Deity stooped down to possess

A little infant child, no less

in Bethlehem.

Lord we would seek to comprehend

That you, the beginnng and the end,

Creator of stars and galaxies could lie in Mary’s arms at ease

in Bethlehem.

We thrill O Lord to see you come;

The Light from far behind the Sun,

To lighten our despairing world as grace upon grace unfurled,

in Bethlehem.

For God so loved the world He gave

His only Son our souls to save,

And now with worship unconcealed

We gaze at Glory gently  veiled

in Bethlehem.

So let’s make sure we put CHRIST back at the beginning of CHRISTmas!

I thought that Jani achieved a good balance between presenting biblical teaching and creating an ambiance which was intimate enough for participants to want to share together their experiences, privileges and challenges of being married to the minister!

She chose three headings on which to hang her talk:

1. Risking your Reputation (Exodus 20:16; Leviticus 19; Colossians 3:9)

Here Jani talked about the use of the tongue – both our own tongues and other people’s tongues.

(a) As far as our own are concerned, we were challenged to guard our tongues and to strive to be truthful all of the time. Truth stabilises relationships but we live in a culture of lies. (James 3:2,8; Psalm 141:3; Proverbs 16:24.)

(b) As for other people’s tongues, what minister’s wife has not borne the brunt of criticism, gossip or lies, either about herself or about her husband? Jani encouraged us, instead of wasting emotional energy on defending ourselves or our husbands, to turn to God. (Proverbs 18:21; 17:9; I Peter 3:9.)

2. Refining your Romance

Here, Jani talked to us about two main areas:

(a) Respect your husband’s work (Ephesians 4:29; 5:33)

In her own inimitable style, Jani encouraged us to affirm and appreciate our husbands, be first in line to encourage them after a sermon and to defend them, figuring out ways to enter their castles when they withdraw.

She warned against giving them advice – they get enough of that already, often unsolicited! – and our advice can often be misinterpreted as criticism. (This led to a discussion on what is a helpful way to offer advice and here Ray, Jani’s husband, helpfully shared an example from their own marriage when he was a young minister, they had young kids at home, and he was also taking classes at seminary – Jani had to gently point out to him that he was in danger of losing his family because they just never saw him – but it was the  gentle, non-intimidating spirit in which she did it which effectively spoke to him).

If we respect our husband’s work, then our children will too – but the opposite is also true. If we moan and complain when he is unavoidably late for dinner, our children will pick that up and come to see the ministry as something negative. Jani talked about using that as an opportunity to pray with her children for their Dad who had been held up due to an urgent hospital visit – and so the children learned to support their Dad and appreciate the ministry.

(b) Teach him how to love you (Proverbs 5:15-19; Song of Solomon 4:9; Malachi 2:13-15)

Jani warned that we need to use words to teach our husbands how to comfort us – if not they will never learn and we will turn to something else and our kids will never see how a man can comfort his wife.

3. Relish your Redemption (Hebrews 6:10; I Corinthians 15:58; Psalm 62:1; Psalm 36:7-9)

My commitment to my marriage means that I’m prepared to be unhappy sometimes – and find my joy in God. When ministry is difficult – as it often is – I must choose to follow Him.

Jani posed the challenging question: ‘What will your husband become because he married you?’

Recommended Reading:

His Loving Law, Our Lasting Legacy: Living the Ten Commandments and Giving Them to Our Children by Jani Ortlund

Faithful Women and Their Extraordinary God by Noel Piper